the nanny diaries...

so, we're pretty sure we are getting a new nanny. yes, i realize we've been here before. We thought we'd have to get rid of her this time last year when i couldn't find myself a job and we couldn't afford to keep her. and we thought we'd have to get rid of her when she was planning to go back to the Philipines for 6 weeks. and we thought we'd have to get rid of her when we discovered that she suffered from bulimia (hey...if it's good enough for Britney Spears...relax, i kid).

but we didn't. and she's now been with us for almost three years. and after talking to many people, it seems that a lot of nannies have about a three-year expiration date. you see, she recently asked us for a raise, which we thought, "hey, sure, after three years, am employee should certainly warrant a raise. that's fair." but then we started to think. and we started to think some more. and assess and reassess.

and we came to the conclusion that this past year, our nanny has been coasting by. with quite the cushy job. when she started, she was amazing. she was proactive. we'd come home and all of our shirts had been taken out of our closet and refolded. and arranged by color. she would clean out our kitchen drawers and cabinets. she would play with the kids. play-doh and games and she'd color with them in their coloring books. she would do laundry four days a week and we'd never have unclean clothing.

now, i'll be the first to admit that much of what she did in those early days was slighty excessive. no one needs her laundry done four times a week. no one. and it's pretty normal for someone to get, um, well, comfortable in her job. that's expected.

just not this comfortable.

she decided that she no longer needed to do things that were part of her job description. she stopped ironing. and doing laundry pretty much altogether. she stopped doing dishes (which, i will say, is completely unacceptable. there is no reason that when she ends her work day there should be a sink full of dirty dishes from lunchtime). she stopped cleaning our bathrooms. bathrooms, people? they are supposed to be done daily! she stopped washing the kitchen floor. and this is just the cleaning.

she's become quite lax with the kids. she defaults to the tv, after i told her they could watch one show or one movie. that's it. my mother in law occasionally drops by unannounced, and has mentioned that the nanny is usually "lounging" when she comes over. the kids are usually parked in front of the tv, on another floor altogether, and Isabella is off somewhere dismantling something. there is no more coloring or play-doh or anything. the kids basically fend for themselves. and they are 6, 4, and 18 months. again, this is unacceptable.

she sleeps out almost every night. i actually don't have a problem with this. but she's coming home at about 7:30 am. and i don't know if she's been up all night partying or drinking or singing karaoke. i have no clue. but i worry that if she's staying up late, she is not going to have enough energy for her job. her job. that's what it is...but it doesn't feel like she knows this. not to mention the fact that because she's throwing up at least one meal a day, that's bound to affect her energy level.

and she's pretty much stopped babysitting. in the beginning, we'd ask her. usually a couple days in advance, sometimes not. she'd say yes if she could, and no if she couldn't. usually, she said yes. but lately, i can't even find her, let alone be able to track her down to babysit. we asked her two weeks ago if last thursday she'd babysit while we took the two older kids out to dinner for Emily's birthday. thankfully, she agreed. but, when the night came to take her out, she stopped me just before we left and asked if we'd be home by 7:00. considering it was almost 6 and we hadn't left yet, i assumed we wouldn't be. she wanted to meet her friend at 7:15. um, yeah, not going to happen, i wanted to tell her.

her attitude changed somehow, at some point in time. and we aren't sure when.

so, now we have to figure out how and when we are going to do this. and where we are going to find ourselves a new nanny. and how we are going to interview someone while we still have our original nanny. there's a lot up in the air...but one thing is perfectly clear. it is high time for our family to find a nanny who will actually do her job.

song of the day: Without You by the Dixie Chicks

video of the day: Borat gets massage. hilarious!

come and visit me at Cheaper Than Therapy.

Comments

[Lori]

Um, I thought a nanny was supposed to take care of the kids. Since when did the description of a nanny involve household chores as well. I thought that was a housekeeper. The way I look at it, that's two different jobs, two different people. Yes you should get rid of her for not taking care of the kids the way you would see fit, but not because she hasn't cleaned your house. Hire someone else for that!

Wow, I've never had a nanny before, I wouldn't think of it. I love being a mother and I love working as well. If it ever came to a point where I would have to get someone else to take care of my children, because of my job I would quit. It's one thing to have a nanny only during the hours you are working but it's just plain out wrong to have them do things you very well could make time for, such as doing your own laundry and cleaning the bathroom that you and your family frequently use. She wasn't a nanny, she was your maid. In my opinion people that "have" to have a maid---excuse me a nanny are just lazy.

Wow, I've never had a nanny before, I wouldn't think of it. I love being a mother and I love working as well. If it ever came to a point where I would have to get someone else to take care of my children, because of my job I would quit. It's one thing to have a nanny only during the hours you are working but it's just plain out wrong to have them do things you very well could make time for, such as doing your own laundry and cleaning the bathroom that you and your family frequently use. She wasn't a nanny, she was your maid. In my opinion people that "have" to have a main---excuse me a nanny are just lazy.

[sarah clayton]

I think that one thing is clear here. You have expectations of your nanny, expectations that were met when you first hired her, but that aren't now. So you have two choices: If you feel that you 'trust' her alot and your kids love her, it may be worth sitting down and re-evaluating things with her. It is hard to find someone you trust, and clearly, if you have had this nanny for 3 years, she's been really good to your kids. I understand about all the things she isn't doing, but the trust part is really big for me. Maybe she has slowly stopped doing things because she feels she is underpaid? Maybe her requesting a raise is a good time to bring up all the things that she is not doing. Of course on the other hand she has exhibited some fairly serious flaws - the belimia is kindof scary and I agree with other people that you sure don't want you kids seeing that. And, it seems that she is maybe not as excited to actually 'play' with your kids anymore .. if she is using t.v. as a babysitter. The bottom line is, you need to be happy. If you are not, you have to change the way she works, or .. change her. You both work too hard to have your hard earned $$ be wasted, I mean, like you said, this IS her job.
Good luck and I'm sure you will keep us posted!

[Laural]

Wow. That was a really harsh comment - and undeserved.
We don't have a nanny - it was never a consideration for us for a whole bunch of reasons. But ...
I totally agree with you.
It is a job.
My previous job I worked for a man who married a woman who had 2 kids and a nanny. Long story short I often ended up travelling with all of them and so I got to know the nanny.
Just like I was doing my job during the day so was she. She knew the expectations, and had to meet them. If you're going to work with kids you can't just plop them in front of the tv all the time. You have to stick with what is expected of you. There's a lot of give and take, but at the end of the day it's a job. And you have to do it.
She could no more slack off on her duties than I could on mine. In some ways her job was way easier. But in some ways it was way harder. But, I don't think it's fair to suggest that you don't have every right to fire her if she's not doing her job properly.
We had Matthew at a daycare and we had a similar feeling - he was not being taken care of the way we wanted him to be. We pulled him out really quickly when we felt it wasn't right. They are your kids. You have to do what you feel.
There's a daycare in Toronto that is for just such a situation - it's basically a short term situation for people in transition/kids who need care suddenly, etc. (when there was a threatened daycare strike parents could bring kids there).
I've heard really good things. Let me know if you want me to send you the info.I have it at my desk.
Sorry for the long comment, and good luck!

[Kimberley]

I am sorry to hear of your plight. We are currently struggling with whether or not to continue employing our live-out nanny. The cost is quite high and after a year and a half, I too feel like she is simply coasting by. She is one of the highest paid in the neighbourhood and we do not get cleaning of any type done (whereas most other employers I speak to get quite a lot included). We are looking into a live-in situation that will be more cost effective and also allow us to have some of the housework included... it is just a really tough decision and a big adjustment to make.

At the end of the day, I am most concerned about providing a loving/nurturing environment for my kids. It is just a tough thing to get right!

[Heidi]

This is exactly why I would NEVER get a nanny, unfortunately. While childcare is expensive here in Oz, it is worth every penny for consistent care 5 days per week (although much cheaper than in Canada).

Good luck though.

[Haley-O]

Oh, Ali, that is so tough! I'm sure someone in your area will know someone good who can work well for you. And, everyone, I've seen Ali with her nanny, and she's, like, the best, most respectful kind of "boss." After three years with a really nice boss who doesn't like to complain, most employees start to take advantage, etc.. Looks like that's what's happening here. And, when it's about your KIDS -- i.e., it's not JUST A JOB -- it's very important to get this right. I know you'll handle this as gracefully and respectfully as humanly possible, Al -- because that's who you are. We'll talk more.

[Laura]

I apologize - that last line of mine was uncalled for. Have you ever had a bad day and then posted a snarky comment somewhere? I was so annoyed by the 'get rid of her' line that I didn't care to comment on the rest of your post. I never for a second thought that you didn't offer her great opportunities, what I meant by having a life is a life away from your family - away from her job.

I agree that you need to find a new nanny. It sounds like she isn't taking her responsibilites seriously if she is staying out all night and neglecting her agreed upon duties. As someone who has never used childcare, and lives in a province where nannies are not the norm, I should not pretend to know what you are going through. I am coming from the point of view of a woman who cares for other people's children for a living, and I know that if I was expected to take care of these children as well as I do, as well as the house an housework to the expectations you have (ironing, bathrooms done every day), I would have burnt out a lot sooner than three years.

Truly, I'm sorry for my snarky post, and I do wish you the best of luck in solving your domestic help situation.

[ali]

Laura...i assure you that i care very deeply about my nanny. you can say what you will, but she's had quite a nice time with us. she has had no complaints. we've given her many things = a tv, a dvd player, a computer, we've taken her on vacations to places she would have never gone. we've never abused her and have always treated her like part of our family.

i don't have a problem with her having a life - in fact, i'd like her to have one. but, i'm also paying a lot of money for someone to do certain things...and if there are things that i need doing that she doesn't want to do...it's only fair to both of us to part ways.

if you think that all she's done in the past three years is take care of my kids and clean my house and babysit, you are sorely mistaken. she has quite a nice life, one you might even envy.

[Laura]

Sounds like your nanny is a REAL person, and has finally got herself a life. If all she's done for the past three years is watch your children, clean your house, do your laundry, clean your bathrooms, and babysit your children in the evenings, I don't blame her for wanting a break. (not to mention that she is in this country without her own child - I don't even want to go there)

I realize she is hired help and is likely getting well paid for what she does (although, not having a raise in three years would not motivate me much either), I've always been bothered with how you refer to her. When speaking of people, you "let go" of a nanny, or "fire" an employee. You "get rid of" household pests, like rats or termites. I found that terminology offensive.

I would wish good luck to you in your nanny search, but would rather wish Good Luck to your future nanny.

[Steph]

If she is bulimic, the last thing you want is her modelling that behaviour in front of or simply even in the same house as two very young girls. Kids are very perceptive as you undoubtedly know. From what you write above, you all deserve better and maybe can get her to find personal help. Will your kids be really upset?

[SciFi Dad]

I have NO experience with nannies. Let me say that up front. However, here's how I'd handle the situation (treating it more like an employee situation):

Talk to the nanny about your concerns, and offer ways to correct the situation. The schedule suggestion is a good one. Also, maybe agree on a floating babysitting day once a week, to be decided each Sunday for the upcoming week. That allows you the guarantee to have a free night, and her to have some control over her time. If talking doesn't resolve things, or if you're set in your decision to get a new nanny, then I would start searching with discretion. Try and conduct interviews outside your home if possible, or in the evenings after you're sure she has left for the night. Perhaps an initial series of interviews could be done at your in-laws? Then once you have one or two good candidates arrange for them to meet the kids (again, possibly at the in-laws). Once you have made your choice, you can avoid having the old nanny "take it out" on the kids by serving notice and paying severance up front (Ontario law says you have to pay them for two weeks, it doesn't say you have to employ them). Basically, one Friday at the end of the day, she gets a big cheque and notice that she's been replaced. She has the weekend to pack up, and you can store her stuff for her for a couple weeks while she rearranges her living situation. Monday the new nanny starts up.

Again, I don't know how feasible this is, either logistically or economically.

[LoriD]

Hey - we have the same family: my kids are 6, 3-1/2 & 16 months (girl-boy-girl)!

One of my colleagues has had a live-in nanny since just after her first child was born. The youngest is now 19 and off to university and my colleague is building a "retirement house", complete with a nanny suite for that same nanny!

Childcare arrangements are THE hardest part of being a double-income household (and it's expensive - we always dream about how loaded we'll be when we don't have to pay for childcare!) With me and my friends, finding a good nanny has been a real crap-shoot. We've done well, but some of my friends can tell you stories.

Is your relationship with your nanny salvagable? If it is, this would be a good time to talk about performance and expectations. You have to behave like an employer if you want her to behave like an employee. Our nanny does up a weekly schedule showing what she has planned in terms of meals, crafts, outings, etc. Although I hate doing it, I talk to her about problems when I see them (e.g. I thought she was just coasting with my 6-year-old when she came home from school; I wanted her to plan something for her to do so she looked forward to coming home to the nanny).

If your nanny is someone that you trust with your children, it might be worth it to try to work through the current problem.

[ali]

that's what i worry about...if we tell her we aren't going to keep her...what kind of response will she take out on the kiddies??

[Iris]

Sounds like a difficult situation. I have had a couple of live in nannies that I have had to let go. it is difficult to say the least. In my cases, I let them go with severance, and didn't have them back. I had arranged interim care at a day care until a more suitable arrangement could be made. I did not want them taking out their frustrations on the children.

[Kath]

hey ali...have you talked to your nanny about your concerns? Sometimes all that's necessary is to clarify your expectations. However, I know that the childcare employer-employee relationship can be the most fraught of them all...after all, think of what's at stake! Sometimes it's best to get a clean start.

Oh, and I feel wholly inadequate for only cleaning my bathrooms weekly! Mind you, the only boy in our house has been potty-trained for 37 years now...

[Amreen]

hi - sorry you're going through all this stress! That's so disappointing that things have changed so much from when she started. i think you're doing the right thing though. she's really taking advantage of your kindness - all-night partying - that's just unacceptable! what is she thinking? email me if you need some nanny contacts. i just helped out a friend and still have some numbers.

[Jen]

Way back when I worked as a nanny...took a year off school and lived in Boston. I think you are right, most nannies can only last so long. Just like any job it is hard to stay inspired and motivated when you've been doing the same thing with the same people for years!

My advice...get as far along in the process as you can to protect yourselves but give her ample notice when it is time.

Good luck!