When I was in my late teens, I remember my parents whispering about their friends – always men – who were “losing it” as they turned 40. Bored with working at the same company for twenty years and the monotony of their daily existence, they were arriving at the mid point of their lives feeling like they’d seriously missed out.
One man actually showed up at his own surprise 40th birthday party and told his wife he “couldn’t do it anymore.” Then he picked up his pre-packed bag, got in the car and drove off to initiate divorce proceedings.
So it’s no wonder that my vision of a mid-life crisis has always been that of a divorced, bald man driving a corvette, desperately trying to get back some of his youth. That is, until I turned 40 myself.
Anyone who tells you that 40 is the new 30 is either a dreamer or a big fat liar! If you were born before 1966, you know exactly what I mean. Forty is what you would expect it to be – the beginning of looking and feeling old. It’s about injuring your hamstring while running after your four-year-old at the park and doing your back exercises along side your 66-year-old father.
Around 40 you’re told you need certain medical tests because you’re getting to “that” age. You start forgetting things like people’s names, and misplacing your glasses and car keys on a daily basis.
Embarrassed, but determined, you insist your husband “soften” the lighting in the bathroom because it’s accentuating the wrinkles around your eyes. At the same time, you screw a 200 watt bulb into the bedroom lamp so you can read at night. And when you walk down the street in your tightest, hottest outfit no man under the age of 45 even glances your way (ok, maybe you get the occasional glance).
If turning 40 is so great then how come people who supposedly love you give you cards that say things like: “You’re 40? From now on life will be a breeze…and your boobs will be blowing in it!” or “Happy 40th and remember you’re only young once…so how was it?”
While I have not resorted to buying a sports car or leaving my husband, I have reached mid-life and the crisis part has settled in. It started out like a low grade fever and eventually hit me like a Mack Truck as my actual birthday drew near.
The funny thing is, amidst my panic, I couldn’t actually pinpoint why I was so unhappy about this particular birthday, besides the obvious physical and mental incapacities. Then one day, my husband (tired of my everlasting crankiness) said to me: “Why are you so upset about this? It’s not like you haven’t done anything with your life. You should feel good about all the things you’ve accomplished.”
And then it struck me that this was exactly the problem. Turning 40 is no longer about waking up and wondering where all the time has gone – it’s about wondering what the heck to do next after packing so much into the first half of your life.
By 40, I had already achieved all of my major goals, including getting married (yes this was a goal), starting a family, launching my own business, writing my first book and running a marathon. And in the midst of it all, I supported my husband through a year of successful cancer treatment. How could I possibly top all that? It was making me tired just thinking about trying.
I know I’m not alone here. Women of my generation tell me all the time they’re not sure how much longer they can maintain this relentless need to succeed in all areas of their lives – to be the best manager, housekeeper, homemade meal maker, Girl Guide leader, school council member and family cheerleader.
When I shared my angst with a 40-year-old client of mine, she looked at me quizzically and said: “But there’s so much more to life than your accomplishments. Aren’t there other things you want to experience before you die?” Sadly, at that moment I actually couldn’t think of one.
Call me a slow learner, but I’m finally starting to understand that when you’re on such a structured path, you risk missing a lot of what’s going on around you. And so many of us spend our days, months and years moving from goal to completion, goal to completion, often with out even realizing it.
Maybe my mid-life uneasiness is telling me its time to let go of the constant need to achieve and just see where life takes me. Or in other words, instead of planning ahead, I should let the future reveal itself one day at a time. Good or bad, it’s bound to be an unpredictable, exciting adventure. I’m scared, but the 40-year-old in me says “bring it on!”
Jacqueline Foley is the Author of Flex Appeal: An Inspirational Guide to Flexible Work for Mothers. She loves to write about important issues in women's lives. Jacqueline' s work has appeared in Canadian Living and Homemaker's Magazines, and various women's websites. She is the mother of two young boys and lives in Stouffville, Ontario. Jacqueline is a regular contributor to urbanmoms.ca. Please share your comments below or send Jacqueline an email with any questions.
Hi there. I really enjoyed your article, however, I have a bit of a different perspective on turning 40 - you see, I will really never "turn 40". Yes, my 40th birthday did pass - it was May 14, 2005 but.....LOL... my son was born on that day!! There had been no plans for a party or anything because it was so close to my due date and then when
Bryn actually was born on my birthday, well... it became "his" birthday in our family!! So... I never really "turned 40". Hee hee. And to add to the whole thing, his birthday, and therefore my birthday will fall on Mother's Day next year to further reduce the impact of my birthday!! Now all those new creaks and changes I just attribute to being a new mother.....
Thank you for sharing your 40th thoughts with us - I don't know what I will do from here on out but I do know one thing, it will be all the richer because our son will be part of it.
Posted by: Michelle | January 25, 2006 at 04:32 PM
Wow, the beginning of this looks so familiar: born before 1966 - which is 1964, running after 4 y.o. (plus additional 3 y.o.), but then - the whole world of difference: not meeting most of the goals of my life (apart from having kids, thanks God), and mainly - not even understanding clearly what actually my goals are! On top of it I just realized that I have a funny feeling I'm just starting to live my life(!), which of course terrifies me - because I do understand that chronologically at least half of my life is behind me! Poor me!!! Poor everybody!!!
Some days I think, OK, 'over 40' is just a number, means nothing more. But other it's really, really depressing.
Anyway, thank you for letting me read your post and for making me write what I wrote.
Posted by: Olga from Toronto | December 23, 2005 at 11:02 PM