In the beginning, my life followed a pretty predictable path. I finished school, went to University, got a job, got married and got a promotion. Life was looking good. Then, everything changed when, after 6 years of marriage, our twin daughters were born.
At the time, I was working in a senior management position at a mid-sized firm and I was putting in some ridiculous hours at the office. Even while my wife was being admitted to the hospital, scared she was going to lose the babies, I was finishing up the final stages of a presentation for a big client. When I finally arrived at the hospital in the wee hours of the morning I was stunned to see my wife being consoled by her mother and the attending nurse. My daughters were in danger and I had not yet grasped the magnitude of the situation.
The girls were born almost 8 weeks early. Both were very small and their lungs were underdeveloped. The doctors were concerned, especially about the smaller of the two. She was not feeding well and therefore, she was not gaining weight. On someone this small, a few ounces can mean the difference between life and death. My wife was pumping milk and the nurses would feed the babies through a tube as they were too weak and small to suckle.
Suddenly, my life made no sense to me. As my girls fought for their lives, my colleagues were calling me about work. The first time this happened was just hours after the girls were born. I was in a panic as they quickly whisked the babies to the intensive care nursery so I was encouraged to step out for a few minutes, get a bite and compose myself so that I could be strong for my wife. As soon as I was outside, my phone rang and it was my boss. He was wondering whether I could sneak away for a few hours for a brainstorming session on some new business. I froze. Why would I do that?! In that instant everything changed. I had a moment of shear clarity. None of that matters, this is what is important. When I told my wife, we just looked at each other and I knew I couldn't go back.
It took a few weeks for the girls to stabilize and for me to get up the courage to tell my boss I was leaving. We had developed a plan for me to do freelance work from home. This would enable me to spend more time with the girls and my wife and eventually, if all went well, my wife would return to her job as an accountant and I would be the primary caregiver and take jobs here and there.
Seven years and two more kids later our plan has become a way of life. At first, when my wife returned to work and I was at home with two 6 month olds I didn't think I would survive. The girls were still nursing and just starting to eat baby food. Up until that first day, my wife had been the primary caregiver and I was petrified.
I was also lonely. I was the only dad I knew at home at the time and my friends thought I was crazy or that I was somehow a threat to the masculinity of all mankind. I didn't feel comfortable joining the mother's groups so I spent a lot of time at the park or taking walks. Then I got in a groove and over the next few years I met many dads on paternity leave, working part-time or flex hours, or staying at home full-time in order to spend more time with their kids. I also met a lot of great moms. Once I got over my fear of being different I made some wonderful friendships and so did my kids.
With our last child, the only boy of the bunch, my wife is taking the full maternity leave. This allows our family a whole year together. It was perfect timing too as the twins were just starting grade 1 and our other daughter was starting JK. But now, I am preparing to be on my own again. In a few months I'll be coordinating playdates and camps, wiping bums and noses, fixing lunches and snacks while balancing a steady home based business.
I am glad I chose to break from the status quo and spend my days as a stay-at-home dad. It hasn't always been easy and often it is bloody hard but it has been far more rewarding than any other job I have ever had.
Urbandad posts are contributed by different dads from all over the country. These dads are invovled parents and consider their families their top priority. How they do this is as varied as they are! Stay tuned for more posts by urbandad. If you or someone you know would like to contribute an urbandad post, please email urbandad@urbanmoms.ca.
It is so nice to read that piece as I sit here in my office, totally swamped, taking a coffee break, while my husband is at home with our 8 month old son! He is finding it quite a challenge with regards to the moms groups as well, but... he has found a few allies, some single moms and other new moms that we knew from before. They share their experiences with my husband and I think he likes to know that even though people are not as likely to just talk to him out of the blue because he is pushing a stroller, they don't always spontaneous talk to the other mums either! He is now taking more "first steps" and meeting people. It is great! It is also wonderful to know that our son is so happy and well cared for!
Here's to stay home dads!!!!
Posted by: michelle | February 09, 2006 at 10:11 AM
Wow! Way to go SAHD! My hubby won't even give the baby a bottle so I can grab the odd night out - I wish there were more men like you around!
Posted by: Marie | February 08, 2006 at 05:01 PM