The Uglification of Haley

I'm, really, so glad I had that 3rd piece of my little monkey's birthday cake. Really. So glad. Actually, truth be told, I had 4 pieces. BUT, I only ate the icing on the last 2 pieces.... Of course, I passed out shortly after the 5th piece (did I say 5?), and I woke up shaking like a leaf -- because, did I mention?, I'd eaten nothing else but my Starbucks chai tea latte (BLECH-but-can't-help-myself...HELP!) all day....  Bad me, BAD!

My little monkey's 2 years old now! TWO! SHE ate three pieces of cake.... (And, little else, as usual....)

So, I'm officially a truck. Here, look. It's me on my way to the wedding I went to on Saturday night:

DRESS!!! EEEEEEEEEEEK! I know. I know I know I know I know I know. I HATE it. Josh-O got it for me, though, and he refused to get it for me in plain BLACK like I wanted. It's Old Navy. And, it's ALL WRONG. AS IF I'm not NOTICEABLE enough? I REEEEEALLY need a pattern like this to ACCENTUATE all my curves. 'Nuff. 'Nuff said. About the dress....

How 'bout that HAIR, though??? If you've been to my other blog, The Cheaty Monkey, you know I HATE my new haircut, and that I've cried many-a-tear about it. And, I'm trying REALLY hard not to approach that dumbarse hairdresser and give him a piece of my mind...and take scissors to HIS HAIR. DO NOT MESS WITH A PREGNANT WOMAN'S HAIR!?!?! If she tells you to LEAVE IT LONG!!!, YOU FREAKING BETTER LISTEN TO HER. Okay, deep breath, don't get me started. I HATE HATE HATE my haircut. It makes me feel UGGERSER than EVER.

And, MY ARMS! I've had this rash on my arms since I became pregnant. It goes all the way down to my forearms. It's how I knew I was preggers in the first place. LOVERLY. I'm not going to talk about how RIPPED my arms used to be.... And, sniffle, my ankles (or cankles -- i.e., calves and ankles that are now ONE) used to be one of my favourite features. But, OH!, 'tis no more....

Despite my recent uglification, I let LOOSE at that wedding on Saturday night and had such a blast. Me, Josh, my fam, my fan, and my water danced the night away!

WHEW! UG-GERS! Hee. It's okay.... I'm GORJ on the inside, right???!!?? LOVE!

STUFF I WANT TO INVENT (YOU HEARD IT HEAR FIRST, 'KAY?)

1. Toilet-paper pole. When you get THIS big it's VERY hard to wipe. I mean, you manage, but it's super uncomfortable, and one risks falling on a public toilet seat in the effort.... A portable toilet-paper pole? Must-have.

2. Shower pole with soap dispenser and wash cloth or sponge attached. Just as it's hard to wipe, it's SO hard to shower. I mean, standing and BREATHING in the shower are bad enough, and then I have to wash my feet? And, I have to twist around and contort my HUGE self to clean those hard-to-reach places? And, I have to keep reaching over to get more soap because I have SO MUCH BAWD to cover? No. Too too difficult. So, some sort of pole thingy would be great. And, if there could be a button on the pole to release soap at will? That'd be much appreciated. Thanks.

3. Robotic razor. I'm not going to get into too much detail here. But, how the hell do I shave? I can't even SEE IT, let alone REACH IT. And, shaving my legs? I mean, hellooo? Ugh. Everything is sooooo HARD! Anyway, someone has to make a special robotic razor for pregnant woman. A razor that knows EXACTLY where to go. Or, maybe some sort of pole razor. With a mirror, or something?

4. An organic deodorant that blocks sweat. Sweat sweat sweat: the story of my life right now. Just check my sweaty face in all those uggers pictures. GROSS! Now, about the underboob and the underarm sweat.... Can we PLEASE invent a deodorant with perfectly nontoxic and wonderful ingredients that keeps you from sweating everywhere like that SWEATY OLD MAN at the gym? I'd use a regular antiperspirant IF I WERE NORMAL. But, I'm not. The aluminum in commercial antiperspirants makes me anxious...when I'm preggers....... Sigh.

5. Pole for reaching toys in the backseat of car that monkey needs NOW, whether you're at a red light or not. Of course, I wait for the red light, or I pull over. But, what does a preggers woman do when her toddler is SCREAMING in the backseat for the cookie she threw under the seat, or her sippy cup, or the Dora and Diego dolls thrown out of arms reach, or the sticker she got at camp.... Someone needs to invent a special pole for this, like, so I don't have KILL MYSELF trying to contort this big ole bawd to appease my screaming monkey.

So, there you go. All my ideas. Go crazy YE INVENTORS! Here's a pole -- some inspiration for you...:

Yeah, that's Britney pole dancing on the set of her new vid. Check what that's all about at Cheaty's Celebrity Gossip....

NUMBER ONE MOST ANNOYING COMMENT I GET ALL THE TIME

"Oh, you're so big, you're not going to make it to your due date."

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!! HATE!!!!!! BEYOND!!!! I think I hate this comment more than I hate my haircut -- and that's A FREAKING LOT. I know, I've said this before. But, it's beyond annoying and RUDE. Seriously! People might as well be saying "you're so big your baby's going to have to go in an incubator!" Honestly? RUDE. People have been saying this to me for WEEKS. And, I LOATHE it. So not fair. Whew, I had to get that off my chest.

I'm 31 weeks! And, yes, I'M GOING TO MAKE IT. I have a full baby inside me -- a baby that my ultrasound says is already THREE POUNDS! Amazing. Miraculous. SO WORTH being uggers for. SO WORTH being utterly uncomfortable for months. SO WORTH IT ALL. Check me!:

Come visit me at The Cheaty Monkey! I LOVE IT when you visit!

Want gossip? Check it -- at Cheaty's Celebrity Gossip!

And, talk to me in the comments, 'kay? I LOVE to hear your thoughts and experiences and tips and EVERYTHING! LOVE!

xo Haley-O

Comments

[HALEY-O!!!]

MARGOT -- Thanks for laughing with me, Oh Tall One!

WILLOW -- don't you hate that? "Ready to pop"? It's, like, thanks, I'll stay IN TACT, thank-you-very-much! I hate that one, too! And, that razor is SOOOO necessary!!!

GIB -- I emailed you about this -- you're so freaking funny, it's ridiculous!

STEPH -- I can't take credit for it -- my husband taught me that word.... :)

ALI -- Keeping my humour in this is the ONLY way to get through it -- only way to get through anything in life, methinks! Gotta keep a sense of humour about life.... :)

JEN -- THANK YOU! My hair's actually growing pretty quickly, thankfully, making it more manageable. It's still way too short, and I still can't put it in a ponytail -- in this heat!!!!

DINA -- I hear they can't really estimate the weight of the baby for real.... I feel like my baby's at least 40 pounds -- well, here's hoping because then I'll lose all this preggers weight in no time!

MTM -- I'm using that Crystal mineral salts deodorant right now. It's great for deodorizing, but sweating? Not so much....

HEIDI -- ahhh, the twins comment. Everyone thinks they're the FIRST one to think it up when they say it to me. ENOUGH! ;)

LORID -- LOVE that idea! Thank you! You want to patent it? Or, should I??

LAV -- Awww, thank you! But, really, I can't believe how bad I look right now! I look tired and puffy.... but, THANK you for making me FEEL beautiful! :)

AMREEN -- I think people think we're just too happy or something. Pregnancy's SUPPOSED to be our "special time..." So, maybe that's why they feel they can stick a pin in it and burst our dreamy bubbles. Pshaw!

[amreen]

you look amazing and your hair looks great! i was huge with my second too and was way annoyed with everyone's comments (including random strangers on the subway) about my appearance! what is it about pregnancy that gives people the perceived freedom to say anything they want to you?

[LAVENDULA]

oh haley you make me laugh.but seriously there is nothing nothing ugly about you.you are the most beautiful person...and you are right .people be quiet.keep your dumbarse comments to self.

[LoriD]

You crack me up! I do have a solution for your backseat retrieval problem. Take two empty cardboard boxes and put them on either side of the hump in the backseat (open side down), with a smaller one over the hump. Now, the farthest the cookie can fall is to the top of the box, which is much more in reach than on the floor.

[Heidi]

Ok, screaming with laughter and bawling LOLOLOL - I oh so do MISS being in late stages of pregnancy in the SUMMER!!!! (Girl, ya think you would have learned the first time LOL!).

Says she, who had a March baby during the hottest summer in 20 years and then a January baby (FYI - summer in Oz runs from December to April!).

FWIW, I spent the late stages of my pregnancy with 'randa in my swimming pool ALL the time - and the first 12 hours of my labour with her too!

I still think you look beautiful. And guess what? When I was pregnant with Jeremy, all I got were stupid comments like "You're sure it isn't twins (THANKS :((( )and "God, you're BIG!".

[Multi-tasking Mommy]

Ok, you are too funny and right--all of those inventions are necessary! I agree 100%.

I am curious what deodorant you are using right now, as I too am having "issues" with this area--the one I was using got discontinued and I haven't been happy since.

AND as for the shaving--it's time to let it go and have your good old hubby do it for you, have a nice bath, stick the leg up on the side and let him shower you with attention :)

[Dina]

You are SOOO funny. I personally like the dress Josh-O picked out for you. You looked fab at the fab wedding! I can totally relate to all your woes and just love reading all about your experiences!
Don't feel so bad, my baby is estimated to already weigh 4 pounds! Yikes, 9 weeks to go and already 4 pounds.
Be well!

[Jen]

OMG, Giblet! Hilarious! Haley, your wish is G's command...next time could you wish for a sleep wand for my children?? Thanks.

You look beautiful. The pics at the wedding are awesome. You look so happy and relaxed. And, I hate to say it, but I wouldn't have even noticed your haircut if you hadn't said something. I just thought you'd styled it a bit more curly. I'll check out The Cheaty Monkey to get the whole scoop.

I LOVE your belly! It is amazing how you can actually see the shape of a little baby back! So gorj!

[ali]

ah. you crack me up.
i love how you can keep your humor in all of this :)
you're awesome.

[Steph]

Cankles! Love it!

[Giblet]

OK - take a big breath and chill-ax. I've got my crack team of experts working on it...

1) toilet paper: http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/notag/kohler-c3-series-toilet-seats-offer-hands+free-butt+washing-american-style-236933.php

2) http://meijie.en.alibaba.com/product/0/50739269/Bath_Mesh.html

3) shaving those hard-to-reach places: http://www.friendlyrobotics.com/

4) organic deodorant: http://www.burtsbees.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/SharedWishListView?listId=97212&langId=-1&storeId=10101&catalogId=10751

5) car reacher: http://www.abledata.com/abledata.cfm?pageid=19327&top=12506&productid=81059&trail=22,11860&discontinued=0

[Willow]

Haley, your blog makes me laugh out loud to the point of peeing my pants . . .

Just wanted to second how frickin annoying the "you're so big . . ." comments are. I'm 25 weeks, and frankly think I'm normal sized for 25 weeks (albeit carring all out front, so from the side, look kind of big), but my mother insists on saying to people "doesn't she look like she's ready go pop" every time they ask me when I'm due. It drives me mental.

If you ever get a patent on that intelligent razor, I'll be your first customer. I've let it get so bad I'm even too embarassed to go for a wax . . .!

[Margot]

Haley, I am pretty tall & frankly when I was pregnant the space between my boobs & my crotch seemed to be about 2 & 1/2 miles, so the little guy (who was "butterfly" at the time...hubby got a little uncomfortable once we found out "butterfly" was a boy...wait what was my point here?!?) had plenty of room to stretch out, he just didn't stretch "out" that far. So my midwife warned me that people would assume that I wasn't a)pregnant at all, or b)as far along as I was. She said to be prepared for the comments. I kinda thought, what could they say? Well, I was innudated with questions and comments that ranged from bizarre to just plain rude (beyond rude to mean, I thought, but maybe that was just my hormones). One of my favourites was "You can't be pregnant/that far along! Are you eating?" Like I found out I was preggers & said "good time to go on a diet!!!" Or "oh crap I knew there was something I was forgetting!"
Anyway, my point for telling you this is that it doesn't matter how "big" you get, people are just dumb & have no idea what to say to a pregnant woman. Even us who have been there before can say some crazy things.
Hold on to those moments of joy, awe & excitment over what is going on inside you right now (besides the gas of course...ignore that...frankly it was the one time I felt I could let one rip & not feel embarassed at all), & use those moments to just gloss over all of the dumb comments out there.
Thanks for sharing your tales & thoughts on your pregnancy. Makes me laugh every time I read it!!