zHaley's Pregnancy Blog

He's Here!

So, hi guys! He's HERE! The new baby is HERE! He was born on Sunday, September 23, 2007, at 7:37pm. According to astrological charts, the nurses told me, he's a Libra. But, some would argue that he's actually a Libra/Virgo -- on the cusp. Either way, it's a good thing, you see. Because I'M a Virgo, and I really didn't want him to be strictly a Virgo because it's tough being a Virgo and OMIGOSH I'm so tirelerd!

Yeah! He's here. He's ACTUALLY HERE! And, he's adorable and THUPER sweet!

I don't know how I'm even writing right now, to tell you the truth. I can't feel the tips of my right-hand fingers AT ALL. Hopefully, that preggers carpal tunnel symptom is dunzo SOONZO! PLUS, I was up ALL NIGHT last night doing this:

FEED. CHANGE DIAPY. FEED. BURP. PUT IN CRIB. PICK UP. FEED. CHANGE DIAPY. FEED. BURP. PUT IN CRIB. PICK UP. FEED. CHANGE DIAPY. FEED. BURP. PUT IN CRIB....PICK UP....FEED....CHANGE....ETC.

Finally, PUT IN CRIB lead to STAY IN CRIB. After TWO HOURS. And, he woke up 45 minutes later to start the cycle all over again....

14 hours. Not bad, not bad. But, it was 14 hours of drama. Of baby's dipping heartrate, mom on oxygen, posterior position, testing baby's oxygen RUN RUN RUN!!!, of PUSH HIM OUT NOW or we're doing a C-section, and of cord. around. neck.

He came out a little blue -- normal. And, he was in total shock. But, he looked at me. As soon as they passed him over to me, all bundled and clean, he looked at me. In my eyes. I'll never forget it. Instant recognition, connection. Instant love. "I love you," I said, "I love you I love you I love you!"

7 pounds. My little guy was 7 pounds exactly when he arrived. And, he was born at 7:37, on September 23, 2007. I love 7.... I love my lucky little man....

Why was I so BIG-preggers if he was average size, you ask? Because he is LO-HO-HONG!!! And, I have the shortest waist! He's a long boy. Long and lean, like his mamma (hee...! ahem!).

My friends, THANK YOU for sharing this incredible, emotional, difficult, challenging, joyous, and ultimately rewarding experience with me. I can't tell you how much your support, friendship and encouragement helped and inspired me through all the aches, pains, nausea, swelling, exhaustion, the RUDE comments!, the weighty cravings, etc., etc.!

If you miss me as much as I'll miss you, come visit me at THE CHEATY MONKEY -- where I'll spill more deets about the labour and delivery (I'm still too tired to recap it fully), and continue to document my thoughts and experiences as a MOM of TWO! Yikes!

Of course, if you want gossip, you must CHECK IT -- at CHEATY'S CELEBRITY GOSSIP!

Thank you so much again, my friends!

LOVE!

xo Haley-O

MY WATER JUST BROKE!

Gotta run!!! LOVE!!!!!!!!!! xoxo Haley!

Josh-O is Nesting and I Hate It

I'm freaking out right now. Why? Because my husband is "touching up" the entire house. In other words, THERE'S WET PAINT EVERYWHERE IN MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW -- except in the monkey's room...she's napping.

Grrrrrrrr....

I leave the house for 20 minutes to buy New Baby a floor mat for the nursery, and I return home to FUMES? Like, exCUSE me?!

I could not have been more pissed off. Touching up New Baby's room? Fine. I can deal. There's a window in there. But, the ENTIRE downstairs? Where almost none of the windows open? BITCHES! SO, UNFAIR!

So, now, not only is my breathing limited because of my HUMONGOUS BELLY and SWOLLEN NOSE. But, the little air I CAN breathe is totally fume-filled. Thanks a freaking lot. BITCHES, I SAY!

(FYI, I'm not calling YOU "bitches." You know that, right? It's just another wee expletive of mine. And, I'm really not sure where I got it from. Just making sure -- because it's REALLY EASY to be misunderstood in writing. I'd never call you "bitches"! I WUV you! TEARS!)

Anyway, I've now plunked my sorry bitter arse down in the only place in my house that's not painted: my basement. Fun times. I'm sitting on a futon with my kitty Tigger curled up in a ball beside me. My macbook's sitting on a pillow on my lap, and it's bouncing up and down because Baby has the hiccups...!

I want chocolate.

I'm a (barely) walking, talking, typing incubator.

Indigestion plagues me in the night.

I almost pee in my pants every time I sneeze.

My cats are obsessed with me.

And, I with them.

My little monkey has daddy-itis.

My nose is uggers swollen.

I have pins and needles in my fat fingertips.

I smell paint.

...Of course, I only got to writing about how pissed off I am right now after checking the internet to see if it's okay for me to be around fresh paint when I'm preggers. BAD, HALEY, BAD! I know I'm not supposed to look up these kinds of things on the internet because there's ALWAYS going to be a site that says what I'm looking up is BAD BAD BAD! And, even if there are 20 sites that say paint is okay, it's that ONE teeny tiny nothing site that says paint is BEYOND HARMFUL AND DEADLY AND AWFUL that drives me to the basement of my house where there's nary a fume. Sigh....

Actually, I'm literally FORBIDDEN to use the internet to ease my anxiety or answer my quirky questions. Forbidden by my prenatal-depression psychiatrist, my psychologist, by the assistant director of Motherisk, my family doctor, husband, mother, father, and I'm pretty sure Ali forbade me during my first pregnancy (insisting that I go to her instead -- so, I went to her...A LO-HO-HOT!).......

A-NY-WAY....

If you've been to The Cheaty Monkey lately, you know that I've been struggling to get through each day physically. My hands and feet are so swollen now that they're numb and pins-and-needly. But, as I have written (please see HERE), it's all worth it. As lethargic as I feel, and as painful and uncomfortable as it is for me to do ANYTHING right now, it's all worth it. I know it's best for the baby to stay put. So, sure, I do a TON of COMPLAINING (totally for fun) on all my blogs, but there's no self-pity here! No eagerness for baby to come TODAY -- unless s/he is ready.

ONLY 12ish DAYS to go!!! And, probably even LESS than than that because my OB predicts I'll go about 4 days early (because that's what happened with the monkey), or even a wee bit earlier because it's my second pregnancy.

Of course, EVERY HOUR I feel like I'm going into labour. I'm getting those pre-labour contractions, the odd Braxton Hick (at night), and other strange symptoms..., like dots all over...?

Still, my belly's pretty high.... Check it! (Pics from the Jewish High Holidays -- I had to get dressed up!!! Can you imagine? But, as you can see, I was NOT going to wear dress shoes...flip flops it was!):

I smell paint....

I definitely plan on breastfeeding, and I'm really hoping it goes well from the start. I breastfed the monkey for one year. And, that was enough for both of us. But, it's not enough for everyone -- CHECK THIS VIDEO! It's HI-larious!!:

Heeeeeee! Are you laughing HYSTERICALLY at this? BITTY!!! HAH!

So, maybe I'll get one more pregnancy-blog post in before IT'S TIME? And, maybe not.... Either way, I will KEEP YOU POSTED! Check in here, and at THE CHEATY MONKEY for more preggers deets.

And, for a little gossip escape, check CHEATY'S CELEBRITY GOSSIP! LOVE!!!

XO HALEY-O

Packed!

I'm packed.... Packed for the hospital! Well. I'm packING. Everything takes forever, so I'm just packing, not quite packed.

Nightie -- check
Bras -- check
Robe -- TBA (nothing fits!)
Maxi Pads -- TBA
Underwear -- check
Oversized Shirts -- check
Toiletries -- check (mini shampoos and soaps and toothpastes...LOVE!)
Flip flops -- check
Diapies -- check
Wipes -- check
Sleepers -- TBA (need to WASH)
Baby hat -- TBA (dangit! forgot to get it from sister for like the thousandth time!)

Yeah, so I'm SO almost packed! Is there anything I'm missing? Should I bring a pillow? Should I bother bringing makeup? LOVE makeup. I mean, I try to go as natural as possible, but I love it. So, should I bring it to the hospital? But, when will I have time to apply it? And, do I really want to stand in the hospital washroom applying makeup? Ew? (Hate that hospital washroom.) Or, should I just bring a little mirror? SO many important questions!!!

I can't remember what I brought to the hospital last time, when my little monkey was born.... EEEE! Can you believe how close we are!? Less than 3 weeks to go!

And, today's my birthday (September 10). I'm 33 years old! The big 3-3. I feel more preggers than I do birthday-ish today. But, I've been treating myself to a great day: the monkey's in preschool for the morning and LOVING IT; my mom took me shopping for ANOTHER UGGERS nightie for the hospital; my fam surprised me with a surprise b-day lunch; and I went for a FACIAL (while monkey played with my sis and her baby).

Apparently, I'm the first person THIS CLOSE to her due date to hazard the full facial, my aesthetician informed me. I was a wee bit anxious (see Cheaty Monkey for deets), but I'm over it and READY TO FACE THE WORLD WITH NEW CLEAR-PORE FACE.

Tonight's the b-day dinner. NACHOS. It's what I feel like. And, cake. A whole cake just to myself. LOVING IT. And, I think I'll start my post-preggo/breastfeeding health-kick tomorrow.... Or, maybe not.

Oh dangit! I had other stuff to say. Was on a role. But, FORGET! FORGET EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME! Hmmm.... How 'bout you look at these pics of 37+ week preggers me, while I try to remember what I was going to say...:

Hmmm.... I can't remember still. But, look at the little monkey in the background of the second pic. She SO busy! I keep wondering what she'll feel like, how she'll act, when the new baby arrives.... By the way, ahem, keep looking at her.... I figure, maybe if you look at the monkey in the background, you won't look at my STRETCH MARKS??? Whoa!

Oh, by the way? Those splints on my arms? I have a wicked-arse case of pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel syndrome. It started to get REALLY bad a few days ago, when the pain kept me up at night and I started dropping things all the time.... So, yeah, now I'm wearing those SEXAY splints. I think I look cool in 'em. Too bad can't TYPE in them. Typing -- it BURNSSSS!

I swear, I'm falling asleep right now. You wouldn't believe how challenging writing this thing is right now. Especially since I TOTALLY FEEL LIKE I COULD GO INTO LABOUR ANY MINUTE NOW. But, that's between you and me, kay? So, shhh....

QUESTION for YOU? WHAT WOULD YOU DO?: I know the sex of my baby based on two ultrasounds. So, I have a name picked out for the sex they told me. Now, SHOULD I have a name picked out for the other sex just in case? ...Why do I feel like I asked you this already? Maybe because I ask EVERYONE from the grocer to the Starbucks barista, to my OB, to Jen Maier (the GORJ founder of Urbanmoms.ca, if you didn't already know), to the mail carrier.... It's just, I can't think of a name for the other sex. I'm just blank! Maybe that's a sign that it's DEFINITELY a -----.

Ohhhhh.... And, look at my new change table:

Closet guy's coming tomorrow to work on NEW CLOSET with DRAWERS! It's going to be totally practical and fabulous!!!

Want more Cheaty? Check it -- at The Cheaty Monkey!

Want gossip? Check it -- at Cheaty's Celebrity Gossip!

And, you knowwwww.... When I go into labour, I WILL announce it here...! And, then we'll go to the hospital...!

Also know how much I appreciate all your comments. It's difficult for me to do much more typing than I do for my 3 blogs -- because of both the exhaustion and the carpal. So, it's hard for me to email and comment back. But, THANK YOU. I love hearing your thoughts. Every one of them.

LOVE! xo Haley-O

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby!

DISCLAIMER: From now till Haley-O gives birth, DO NOT expect ANYTHING brillers to appear on present screen. Thank you for understanding and for your ongoing commitment and much appreciated support of limping, burping, kvetching, double-chinned, uggers-haired, dimply-arsed preggers woman. LOVE!!!

It's Saturday. The neighbour is rehearsing his opera aria (or, is it oprah....preggers brain killed my heretofore excillint speling abulitys). He's a big time opera star in Europe. Apparently, it's easier to make it in opera overseas than it is here in North America. He's a YUGE star there. Anyway, he's here half the year, on and off. And, he stays at his ex-wife's house with their kids. I'm not sure what their relationship's like now. But, my horndog preggers brain imagines them having great, opera-star ex-sex.

Ummm...., before I DARE get into the greater details of what I imagine they do when he's back in town, maybe I should let you know where my mind's at lately? I mean, did I mention that (other than Clive Owen) I'm so HOTT for Ed Harris? (Check it here). Oh, and today, I talked to a 19-year-old U of T rugby player for, like, 2 hours and didn't take my eyes off his prettiness for one second -- for fear that I might miss another FABULOUS angle of his gorj, tanned, perfectly-proportioned face. HORNDOG ALERT HORNDOG ALERT BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! PLEASE EVACUATE! BEEEEEEEP HORNDOG!

I think my horndogness has been one of the BIGGEST symptoms of this pregnancy. I don't remember being this strangely horndoggy last time. I mean, I think the most unlikely men are hott. Here's the rundown, as far as I remember it (and I don't remember much at all these days):

CLIVE OWEN (EEEEEEEEEEEEE! drooooool.... Hottest man on EARTH [my hubby NOT INCLUDED] even when I'm not preggers.)

 

EVEL DICK, BIG BROTHER (even though he probably smells like farts and cigarettes, I imagine him smelling like the SEXIEST cologne ever invented.... I even love the tats -- which is SO not LIKE ME!)

CANE from Y&R.... ACCCCENT!!! MMMMMWWAH!

SHANE SPARKS, choreographer, SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE (He can CHOREOGRAPH me ANY-TIME!)

GREG NEUFELD from CANADIAN IDOL (HEARRRRRRT!!! I could listen to those husky pipes all night long.... Felt like life was over when he was eliminated. I'm still not over it. WAHHH.)

ED HARRIS (IS IT HOTT IN HERE????? And, what's wrong with me?)

Aaaaand, who can forget: WAITER FROM GRAZIE....

Of course, I saved the best for last: JOSH-O, who's actually reaped VERY LITTLE reward from my horndogness, I'll have you know.

I'm pregnant, soooo no touchy.... I mean THE IDEA of sex is nice and exciting and BEEP BEEP BEEP HORNDOG ALERT..., and, like, it's on my mind a lot. But, the actual act? Not so much. I HURT down there. And, and, and...my breasts have a life of their own! And, and, and, while many pregnant women feel more beautiful than EVAH, and many actually LOOK more beautiful than EVAH when preggers, I AM NOT ONE OF THEM. I feel UG-GERS. And, you can think I'm horrible for saying that, but, it's the truth! And, it's okay because that's how I feel and I'm not one to hide that truth for the sake of feminisim or the Dove campaign or whatevs. I FEEL UGGERS, yes I do, and there I said it (again). Anyway, because I feel so uggers when preggers, I like to keep this preggers bawd to myself.

You can definitely rub my belly, though. ALL OF YOU can. I SO don't mind. LOVE!

And, by the way, I don't feel weird about talking about NOT being into sex when I'm preggers. I only have ONE friend who had sex ALL THROUGH HER PREGNANCY (and, you SO know who you are, and so does your HUSBAND -- HORNDOGS!). Most of my other friends (and I have a lot of friends -- really, it's ridiculous and time-consuming!) are SOOO not into sex when preggers....unless they're, like, 10 days overdue and willing to try anything to go into labour....

Oh, THIS JUST IN: what do you know -- apparently Angelina Jolie felt sexy when preggers.

Yes, Angelina told Marie Claire magazine that she "loved being pregnant and fortunately I was with a man who found it sexy, too"; "In the weeks before the birth," she says, "we'd have dinner in the dunes by candlelight. We would have tents out there and we had the ocean." HAAAAAATE.

AnyHOOT......! What about you? Were you into sex when you were pregnant? Feel free to leave your comment anonymous if it makes you feel more comfortable. Although, if I'M putting myself out there, you can, too, right? And, I'm, like SOOOOO shy. Seriously.

Want more Cheaty? Check it -- at THE CHEATY MONKEY. It's my personal blog, but it's basically a pregnancy blog, too, right now! Come see how I've been preparing for NEW BABY! We're really getting into it. Have bought sleepers and onesies and furniture and everything! And, come CHECK my feet! I got pics.....

Want gossip? Check it -- at CHEATY'S CELEBRITY GOSSIP!!!

LOVE!

xo Haley-O

Baby Wants CHOCOLATE

It's Saturday night. And, here I sit alone. With chocolate bar. And with tonight's episode of Celebrity Paranormal Project.... (All that paranormal activity on the show HAS to staged.... I don't know why I'm watching it.... Although I do find Adrianne Curry and Christopher Knight quite fascinating in my numb-brained yuge-preggo state. And, Danny Bonaduce is just SO worth my time....)

It's not opened. The chocolate bar, I mean. It's just sitting there in a plastic bag from Blockbuster Video, where Josh-O got it for me (so you know it's EXTRA massive...). Yeah, he went to get us a movie, and he thought he'd top things off by bringing home a "dessert" for the nice big dinner I was cooking.... Wasn't that so thoughtful of him? Ahem, LIKE I'm cooking on a Saturday night at 35 weeks preggers! That's right, the "big dinner" at home turned out to be the monkey's leftover kraft dinner for Josh and, pour moi, a bagel (well, 2 bagels -- but they were Montreal bagels, which are very VERY small).

It's a big chocolate bar....

I can't resist. No, I can.... I'll knit New Baby's blanket some more. And, I'll have some milk. Mmmm.... Milk!

I'm totally addicted to milk this week. I want it all the time. I try to limit myself to 3 glasses a day because, you know, moderation and all. But, I could drink a carton in one sitting. It MUST be a craving because -- EW?!?

I guess you won't be surprised to hear that I'm CRAZY IN LOVE with Starbucks Chocolate Milk right now? "CHOCA MOOK," as the monkey calls it. Chocolate + Milk? PURE HEAVEN.

Yes, I know, I talk a lot about food on this blog. Because I CRAVE it in this utter state of discomfort I'm in. Food UNDERSTANDS ME. It GETS my indigestion, aches, breathlessness, and crazy swelling in hands and feet....

Did you happen to see my swollen hand over at The Cheaty Monkey? It's appalling, really.   

Anyway, as the monkey'd say, I LUFF YOU, FOOD! Of course, food is my worst enemy, too: the scale! OH, THE SCALE!!! And, I get weighed TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!! Eeee Eeee Eeee Eeee!

Chooooocolate barrrrrrrrrr.....

Tap tap tap? New Baby? Please stay in there as long as you can so I can keep eating chocolate. Because, once you're out, I have to start dieting, and that will suck royal.

Aside from eating and thinking about food, I'm blogging A-LO-HO-HOT, as usual.... I don't know what my blogging will be like when New Baby comes. I'm hoping I can keep it up. But, I'm sure I'll need a bit of time off.... I WILL definitely keep you posted on things ON ALL THREE of my blogs. I mean, FOR SURE! Like, you've been with me all this time!

Also, at the 35 week mark, I figure I better get going on the blanket I'm knitting for New Baby. I've already started it, and, of course, I've made lots of little knitting mistakes. But, I have this little rule.... I don't go back to fix my mistakes mostly. Because, like the blanket I knitted for the monkey, this baby blanket is not supposed to be perfect. Nope! Like motherhood, it can't be perfect; it can be beautiful and strong, but not perfect. So, the mistakes I knit become part of the pattern, the fabric, make it unique and human and interesting. I'm not the perfect mom -- can't expect that from myself with the monkey (especially when am this preggers... I LOVE YOU, DORA, DIEGO and WIGGLES!) -- just like I'm far from the perfect knitter. I just do my best. And, when I make a wee mistake? No biggie. No guilt. And, the blanket turns out GORJ!

The monkey LOVES Mamma's blankets....

So, this blanket is an important symbol. A symbol OF CHOCOLATE BARRRR of my pregnancy, of time, of motherhood, of self-acceptance and -forgiveness, of patience, and of love. It's not supposed to be perfect; no, it's supposed to be perfectly imperfect. It's all I can expect of myself as a person and as a mother.

Can you guess what colour New Baby's blanket is? I'll give you a hint: it's either pink or blue....

Okay, I've had enough knitting for now. Off to eat chocolate. SCARF!

HERE I AM! AT 35 WEEKS! BRING ON THE STRETCH MARKS! THAT'S RIGHT -- BRING. IT. OHNN!!!

You wouldn't BELIEVE how many people have asked me if I'm having twins, or even TRIPLETS, this week. I mean, I'm big, but I'm not THAT big.... Sheesh! Ka. Bob.   

I love flower dividers.... They make my posts look pretty and seem organized.

I can't believe it's practically September already.... September 30th, Baby, HERE WE COME! Wheeee!

Want more Cheaty? Check my personal blog at THE CHEATY MONKEY!

Want celebrity gossip? Check it -- at CHEATY'S CELEBRITY GOSSIP!

LOVE!
xo Haley-O

I May Never Eat Again (But, I Don't Know...)

I think I'm finally getting hungry after that NIGHTMARE of a night last night (Saturday).

But, I don't know....

The day started out GREAT. In fact, here's the theme song of the day -- check it and DANCE (pretend I'm Ellen Degeneres):

I'm 34 weeks! And, I'm SO EXCITED! Just like last time. I'm not nervous for the delivery. Just excited to meet this little one. I mean, I can totally wait another 6 weeks; the monkey and I have lots of one-on-one time to enjoy. Plus, there's SO much to do. Anyway, the day started out great. I was even feeling attractive BECAUSE my OB appointment was PERFECTION. I gained NO weight in the last 3 weeks, and the baby has grown a lot! And, and, AND, the baby's head is now DOWN! I was afraid for a while there because s/he was lying side to side, and all the nurses were like, "you better hope s/he turns the right way! S/he should be head down by now!" Why does everyone INSIST on scaring me?

I was SO excited about my non-weight-gain that I took hot pics of myself....Welllll, I tried to look hot or, at least, preggogorj (it always amazes me the difference a scale can make to one's self-esteem). And, check it -- my hairs growing SO FAST....

 

I had SO much energy that morning. It was awesome. And, it was what I needed to get through the long day ahead.

LONG DAY:

Watch monkey's swim class.

Go home with Josh to get his car.

Buy new toddler car seat for Josh's car.

Install and/or reinstall all 3 car seats (one of the installation guys was a clone of Perez Hilton -- freaked me right out).

Schlepped to IKEA to choose monkey's new big-girl bed.

Home sweet home with BAD MOOD and SWOLLEN FEET.

By the end of the day, THIS was how I was feeling....

(Sorry about the video -- I was hoping to get the movie clip from Ferris Bueller's Day Off but can't find it ANYWHERES.) So, now I realize that I not only suffer from prepartum depression, but I apparently have this condition called "SHOPPING RAGE." If it's not a real term, it should be now, because I have it. I'm certain of it. For example, this was what may have been overheard at Ikea: "If someone walks in front of my stroller once more, I'm going to RUN THEM DOWN! Grrrrr!" Yeah, that's me and my shopping rage. But, seriously, you should have seen my feet.... They were, like, bigger than my thighs. And, my thighs were swollen.... Especially after that lo-ong day.

Anyway, check my car now -- it's freaking me right out:

Two carseats! TWO! In my wee back seat. Freaking me right out. Freaking me RIGHT OUT!

Also freaking me right out is THIS:

She is FINALLY in her big-girl bed (after weeks of my nagging Josh-O to get the frick going on it! Grrrr!) My little monkey's growing up so fast! And, BABY IS COMING!!!!!

So, this is what I look at when I step out of my bedroom....

Eeeeeee!!! Two kids. I'm going to be a MOM OF 2! Freaking me RIGHT OUT!

Anyway, I was starving after my long day of baby preparation, big-girl bed stuff, and shopping rage. So, we went to (what used to be...) my fave vegetarian restaurant. I got my fave veggie burger, sweet potato fries with spicy peanut sauce (spicy, yes...BIG MISTAKE), and vegan carrot cake. I topped it off with a glass of orange juice..... HOW STUPID WAS THAT?

I felt horribly SICK after that. And, I was up all night nauseous, gassy..., shaking from the pain! It was AWFUL. When I finally started to feel better and like I could go to sleep. A little someone decided to attack me with kisses....

...and I was in NO mood.

So, here I am. Sunday morning. I think I might be getting hungry.

But, I don't know....

WORST COMMENT OF THE WEEK AWARD:

And, the worst comment of the week goes tooooooooooo....

THE WOMAN BEHIND THE COSMETICS COUNTER AT SHOPPERS DRUG MART!!! ("WBTCASDM"):

Me: That picture of Clive Owen is making me INSANE! [see below for poster -- it'll make YOU insane, too!)

WBTCASDM: Huh?

Me: Oh. Never mind....

WBTCASDM: So, how far along are you now?

Me: 34 weeks!

WBTCASDM: Oh, so, like, you could go any day now, huh?

Me: Um...no, I hope not.

WBTCASDM: It's just that you're looking really low now!

Me: Heh. Yeah. Umm. No. I'm still high. Still 6 weeks to go.... [beeyatch!]...

I HAVE NOT DROPPED I HAVE NOT DROPPED I HAVE NOT DROPPED. End of story.

I'm SO buying this poster. Think Josh-O will mind if I put it on my bedroom ceiling? I can stare up at it when I'm up all night with indigestion. Mmmmmm....

Come see how my little monkey's doing in her new bed, and how my now infamous BURRRRPING is escalating at an alarming rate, at my personal blog THE CHEATY MONKEY!

Want gossip? Check it -- at CHEATY'S CELEBRITY GOSSIP!

LOVE!

xo Haley-O

A Li'Bit Serious

Hmmm.... I wonder where my little monkey got the phrase "I'M SO TIRELERD" from...?

Yeah, lately that cheaty little thang's been coming up to me with squinty eyes, saying, oh-so-melodramatically, "I'm so tirelerd." It felt really great, let me tell you, when she said it this weekend in front of my mom, who thinks NO ONE should ever complain of being tired.... But, I SAY, I have the right. I have the right to say "I'm so tired" so much that my 2-year-old has included it in her lil lexicon. Because I REALLY AM "tirelerd".... I'm "tirelerd" ALL THE TIME.

I don't EVEN know how I'm writing in this state. So, please go easy on me if I have a typo or something totally unintelligible going on. Thanks. Love!

You know, the monkey also says "Oh crap" all the time. She got that from me, too.... But, that has nothing to do with pregnancy.... Yeah, ahem.

So, I'm 33 weeks preggers today.... Crazy. It's sort of gone fast up till now, and sort of not. I remember WAY BACK when I was struggling with first-trimester extreme nausea and salivation (is extreme salivation not the grossest symptom, by the way? I had to sleep with a "spit towel" in my mouth, and I'd walk around the house with said "spit towel"....). I remember I was SO TIRELERD and prenatally depressed, and yet I still had to be a good mom to my cheaty little monkey who insisted on being carried everywhere and still does! That all seems like it was A LONG TIME AGO.

But, 33 weeks has just sprung itself on me. And, I'm a little surprised by it. I'm surprised that I'm COUNTING DOWN NOW IN SINGLE DIGITS! 7 more weeks to go! That's, like, NOTHING!

So, there I was at a beautiful resort with my family this weekend, and with the sudden onset of 33 weeks came new emotions. I found myself a li'bit (that's "little bit" in monkey speak) sensitive: say the SLIGHTEST negative thing to me, and I WILL break down. I found myself a li'bit lonely, too, even though my whole family was with me: no one else was THIS pregnant there; and, I was the only one unable to really take advantage of the resort's activities. Also, I found myself a li'bit obese: there were so many bikinis there, and in my sensitive state, I started to feel really really uggers -- puffy and swollen and in pain with each slow, elephant step I took. People were laughing at me and patting me on the back while telling me to enjoy myself "while I can" (thanks, beeyatch!). I often felt like a spectacle, as opposed to an individual with her own thoughts and feelings. A giant spectacle that people felt they could point at and whisper about. This all made me feel lonely. (Wahhh?)

See, nobody tells you about that li'bit of loneliness that characterizes pregnancy and motherhood. When you're pregnant, you're just "Pregnant Girl." And, when you're a mother, everyone's ALL ABOUT YOUR BABY. "Hello, Gorgeous!" my pediatrician always says (to the monkey, of course), and I always say, "Oh! Hi!"

So, as I walked around the grounds of the beautiful resort this weekend, I reflected on what I was feeling. And, there emerged my favourite concept in the world: compassion. I'm the ONLY one who REALLY knows or understands how I feel right now -- as Pregnant Girl AND Mother AND Me. Since I'm the only one, I need to be there for me. I need to care about these feelings and honour them. I need to have compassion for myself. It's the only way to get through these last weeks with my head up, with any semblance of energy, and with the strength that will carry me through labour and beyond....

Meanwhile.... I'm dealing with my "TIRELERD" little monkey.... Her little world is going to change dramatically. And, she's sensing it now. Her tantrums and screeches and daddy-itis are all telling me she senses big change. I'm concerned about her. But, I KNOW it'll be great. She's so adaptable. And, we'll make it fun and exciting for her.

I, on the other hand, ME.... Will I be okay handling two little monkeys with NO nanny? EVERYONE I know seems to have hired a nanny to help out. Can I not handle two monkeys on my own? THAT is the question.... THAT might be lonely.... THAT will be A LOT. And, THAT's what's coming...FAST. But, as pregnancy's teaching me, I've got that self-compassion thing going, and tons of support from the fam, who talked much at the resort about coming together to help me when the baby comes. LOVE!? And, I definitely have support from all those on- and off-line  friends of mine who KNOW BETTER THAN TO SAY "OH, YOU'RE SO HUGE, THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE IT!" Bitches! Why do strange people insist on saying that!? Like, if you don't stop saying that, MUFFIN LADY, I'm NOT coming back to your bakery, do you HEAR me!?!?

A-ny-way.... Emotional time as I begin my 7-week countdown. But, s'all good. Look how much I'm learning. Pregnancy -- one of life's greatest teachers....

Oh! I got a gifty! I got a gifty! Check it:

Try not to look at the double chin, here.... I'm a PUFFBALL.... But, look at this great tee! It's adorable, and IT FITS GREAT. It's from the FAB artist/designer Nicole Lee from Lee's Things! I'm NOT good at accepting gifts, and I did try to deter her. But, I'm so glad she persevered because this is my new fave tee. Anyhoot, she's got LOTS more preggo tees and baby designs and labels and EVERYTHING. Here's the Cafepress shop her stuff is displayed at, FYI: http://nsccards.com/cp_designs.html. Check it! OR, email Nicole here: Lee (at) NSCcards (.) com. Thank you, Nicole! I LOVE IT! (There are more pics up at The Cheaty Monkey.)

Want more Cheaty? Check my personal blog -- at THE CHEATY MONKEY!

Want gossip? Check it -- at CHEATY'S CELEBRITY GOSSIP!

Love!
xo Haley-O!

For the Love of Cats..., Squirrels..., Muffins....

Ha! I WON! I WON! I WON!!! I BEAT that ant all the way home from Starbucks. It was me against him, and I WON -- fair and square. Granted, he did give me a little bit of a head start; and, granted, he figured it was safer to crawl behind me where he could see me, as opposed to in front of me where I could NOT see him and he could get squashed....... But, I beat him. He's sitting here beside me. We're rehydrating with some coldish water. We're total BFFs now.

When I got home from The Big Race, I was so pleasantly surprised.... JOSH-O DID SOMETHING MONUMENTAL! At some point between his breakfast with the monkey and their swim class, he stopped at home to drop this off for me:

He left it in the doorway so I'd be sure to see it. Can you guess what it is...?

Yes!!! It's my FAVOURITE muffin! (And, I won't be sharing it with Ant!) I was so touched by Josh's gesture that I got all fahklempt and teary eyed. Like, awww? Of course, little Minden came over and comforted me..., and then HE ATE ANT....

C'mon, even if you're not a cat person, YOU KNOW YOU LOVE HIM...!

Speaking of MINDEN.... I LOVE my cats right now. I can't even tell you.

Is it okay if we talk about my cats for a minute?

What's that? "NO," you say? Well, just humour me, then. I'm pregnant! And, ahhh, and there's that pregnant excuse again: "I can't because I'm pregnant" or "I have to because I'm pregnant" or "pick that up for me and get me that glass of water and go out and get me CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM and change the monkey's poopy diapy because I can't because I'm pregnant." Yes, it works on EVERYTHING. It's, like, one of the BEST things about being pregnant!

OMIGOSH, DID CANE JUST KISS AMBER ON Y&R?? SAY IT ISN'T SO! Sigh, anyway....

So, back to my cats.... Since I became preggers, I've been getting more attention from my three cats that I ever imagined possible. My creepy cat "MARGE!" is all over me, which freaks me a bit out because she's usually the QUEEN OF ALOOF. And, of course, Minden's giving me MUCH practice for the new baby: he's yappier than ever, follows me around the house, craves all my attention. And, finally, Tigger's constantly begging me for food (nothing new there, come to think of it). Anyway, not only are my cats more OBSESSED than ever with me, but I AM SO NUTS FOR THEM! It's ridiculous.

Strange -- the connection between preggers women and animals.... Really freaking strange!

In fact, on my race home with Ant today, I saw so many squirrels. And, erm..., I told them I loved them.... And, erm..., I totally wanted to pet them and kiss them....

I WANTED TO KISS SQUIRRELS.

A-NY-WAY!

Yeah, so I'm a TOTAL freak right now -- just LOOK AT THIS POST...LOOK AT IT!!! I've gone insane. Maybe it's the HEAT WAVE, my EXTREME LETHARGY, my HAAAATE  HAIRCUT....

I'm even wearing this CARAZAY green shirt today....

It was 6 DOLLARS at Old Navy. I HAD to buy it. And, now, I HAVE to wear it....

Green Shirt makes me look less like a truck and more like a hippo....

These hippo paintings are from my bizness -- the artist is BIG PREGGERS, TOO, and she's due THIS MONTH!

And, I FEEL as big as I look. TIRED TIRED TIRED. Bending down is BRUTAL. I look at everyone bending down, and I can't IMAGINE what it's like for that to be, like, easy. What it's like not to have to PLAN exactly how you're going to bend down.... spread legs? knees out? knees in? bend from the waist? bend from the knees? Tippy toes or no tippy toes...? anyone close by who can bend down instead?

I'm 32 WEEKS NOW! And, COUNTING!

Yeah. I'm super comfortable these days. SUPER.

Come talk to me in the comments. They make me feel GREAT. In my utter exhaustion and boredom -- countdown to bedtime -- I really appreciate all of them. It's tough in this heat. And, some days are just unbearable for me physically and emotionally. But, the forceful kicks of new life nudge me to a better place, remind me that I'm not alone....

My cheaty little monkey has no idea what's coming.... How to prepare her? How to tell her that this baby she loves inside mommy's tummy is coming out in 8 weeks...?

Want more Cheaty? Check it -- at The Cheaty Monkey!

Want gossip? Check it -- at Cheaty's Celebrity Gossip!

LOVE!

xo Haley-O

The Uglification of Haley

I'm, really, so glad I had that 3rd piece of my little monkey's birthday cake. Really. So glad. Actually, truth be told, I had 4 pieces. BUT, I only ate the icing on the last 2 pieces.... Of course, I passed out shortly after the 5th piece (did I say 5?), and I woke up shaking like a leaf -- because, did I mention?, I'd eaten nothing else but my Starbucks chai tea latte (BLECH-but-can't-help-myself...HELP!) all day....  Bad me, BAD!

My little monkey's 2 years old now! TWO! SHE ate three pieces of cake.... (And, little else, as usual....)

So, I'm officially a truck. Here, look. It's me on my way to the wedding I went to on Saturday night:

DRESS!!! EEEEEEEEEEEK! I know. I know I know I know I know I know. I HATE it. Josh-O got it for me, though, and he refused to get it for me in plain BLACK like I wanted. It's Old Navy. And, it's ALL WRONG. AS IF I'm not NOTICEABLE enough? I REEEEEALLY need a pattern like this to ACCENTUATE all my curves. 'Nuff. 'Nuff said. About the dress....

How 'bout that HAIR, though??? If you've been to my other blog, The Cheaty Monkey, you know I HATE my new haircut, and that I've cried many-a-tear about it. And, I'm trying REALLY hard not to approach that dumbarse hairdresser and give him a piece of my mind...and take scissors to HIS HAIR. DO NOT MESS WITH A PREGNANT WOMAN'S HAIR!?!?! If she tells you to LEAVE IT LONG!!!, YOU FREAKING BETTER LISTEN TO HER. Okay, deep breath, don't get me started. I HATE HATE HATE my haircut. It makes me feel UGGERSER than EVER.

And, MY ARMS! I've had this rash on my arms since I became pregnant. It goes all the way down to my forearms. It's how I knew I was preggers in the first place. LOVERLY. I'm not going to talk about how RIPPED my arms used to be.... And, sniffle, my ankles (or cankles -- i.e., calves and ankles that are now ONE) used to be one of my favourite features. But, OH!, 'tis no more....

Despite my recent uglification, I let LOOSE at that wedding on Saturday night and had such a blast. Me, Josh, my fam, my fan, and my water danced the night away!

WHEW! UG-GERS! Hee. It's okay.... I'm GORJ on the inside, right???!!?? LOVE!

STUFF I WANT TO INVENT (YOU HEARD IT HEAR FIRST, 'KAY?)

1. Toilet-paper pole. When you get THIS big it's VERY hard to wipe. I mean, you manage, but it's super uncomfortable, and one risks falling on a public toilet seat in the effort.... A portable toilet-paper pole? Must-have.

2. Shower pole with soap dispenser and wash cloth or sponge attached. Just as it's hard to wipe, it's SO hard to shower. I mean, standing and BREATHING in the shower are bad enough, and then I have to wash my feet? And, I have to twist around and contort my HUGE self to clean those hard-to-reach places? And, I have to keep reaching over to get more soap because I have SO MUCH BAWD to cover? No. Too too difficult. So, some sort of pole thingy would be great. And, if there could be a button on the pole to release soap at will? That'd be much appreciated. Thanks.

3. Robotic razor. I'm not going to get into too much detail here. But, how the hell do I shave? I can't even SEE IT, let alone REACH IT. And, shaving my legs? I mean, hellooo? Ugh. Everything is sooooo HARD! Anyway, someone has to make a special robotic razor for pregnant woman. A razor that knows EXACTLY where to go. Or, maybe some sort of pole razor. With a mirror, or something?

4. An organic deodorant that blocks sweat. Sweat sweat sweat: the story of my life right now. Just check my sweaty face in all those uggers pictures. GROSS! Now, about the underboob and the underarm sweat.... Can we PLEASE invent a deodorant with perfectly nontoxic and wonderful ingredients that keeps you from sweating everywhere like that SWEATY OLD MAN at the gym? I'd use a regular antiperspirant IF I WERE NORMAL. But, I'm not. The aluminum in commercial antiperspirants makes me anxious...when I'm preggers....... Sigh.

5. Pole for reaching toys in the backseat of car that monkey needs NOW, whether you're at a red light or not. Of course, I wait for the red light, or I pull over. But, what does a preggers woman do when her toddler is SCREAMING in the backseat for the cookie she threw under the seat, or her sippy cup, or the Dora and Diego dolls thrown out of arms reach, or the sticker she got at camp.... Someone needs to invent a special pole for this, like, so I don't have KILL MYSELF trying to contort this big ole bawd to appease my screaming monkey.

So, there you go. All my ideas. Go crazy YE INVENTORS! Here's a pole -- some inspiration for you...:

Yeah, that's Britney pole dancing on the set of her new vid. Check what that's all about at Cheaty's Celebrity Gossip....

NUMBER ONE MOST ANNOYING COMMENT I GET ALL THE TIME

"Oh, you're so big, you're not going to make it to your due date."

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!! HATE!!!!!! BEYOND!!!! I think I hate this comment more than I hate my haircut -- and that's A FREAKING LOT. I know, I've said this before. But, it's beyond annoying and RUDE. Seriously! People might as well be saying "you're so big your baby's going to have to go in an incubator!" Honestly? RUDE. People have been saying this to me for WEEKS. And, I LOATHE it. So not fair. Whew, I had to get that off my chest.

I'm 31 weeks! And, yes, I'M GOING TO MAKE IT. I have a full baby inside me -- a baby that my ultrasound says is already THREE POUNDS! Amazing. Miraculous. SO WORTH being uggers for. SO WORTH being utterly uncomfortable for months. SO WORTH IT ALL. Check me!:

Come visit me at The Cheaty Monkey! I LOVE IT when you visit!

Want gossip? Check it -- at Cheaty's Celebrity Gossip!

And, talk to me in the comments, 'kay? I LOVE to hear your thoughts and experiences and tips and EVERYTHING! LOVE!

xo Haley-O